


If we love again

by sunsethue



Category: EXO
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 17:31:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14169948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsethue/pseuds/sunsethue
Summary: High school sweethearts don’t always work out and Kyungsoo knows it’s his fault why he lost Jongin. But that doesn’t change the fact that Kyungsoo misses him.





	If we love again

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for Kaisooaufest Prompt I10.

“Can you please — I beg you, please, just keep quiet for a few minutes, Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo says. “It’s too early for me to deal with your noise.”

“It’s already 10 a.m., Soo,” Baekhyun retorts, munching on his cereal noisily. “Besides, it’s not my fault you have a hangover.”

Kyungsoo can’t believe he’s nursing another hangover just two days before the start of his last year in college. He should be relaxing, preparing himself mentally, physically, and emotionally for the most difficult year in this chapter of his life.

Kyungsoo told himself he’s never drinking again until he graduates but when he arrived at their shared apartment last night, his trusted friends dragged him to a pre-welcome party — whatever that means.

“You were the one who pulled me from my room and pushed me into Junmyeon hyung’s car which took us to that blasted party,” Kyungsoo hisses. “In fact, I vaguely remember that you were the one who led me to the alcohol bar at the club.”

“I took you to that party. I showed you the alcohol. But it’s not my fault you kept drinking every time you spotted Kim Jongin flirting with random people,” Baekhyun replies, smirking.

Kyungsoo scowls at his friend. “You really are too noisy.”

“But seriously Soo, it must have been difficult to date a guy who is a magnet to all guys and girls alike. I know you said third parties are not the reason why you two broke up but it must’ve been tiring to fend off all the people who flirted with him. And the kid just keeps reciprocating,” Baekhyun says.

“It’s not… he’s not like that. I told you a hundred times, he was not like that when we were dating,” Kyungsoo defends.

He wants to say more, to protect Jongin more from his friend’s judgment. But it’s hard to further explain because Baekhyun has known Jongin for more than two years now and he has enough encounters with him to pass a judgment.

Too bad Baekhyun never met the high school version of Jongin. His Jongin.

Kyungsoo knows Baekhyun would’ve liked that Jongin more than the Jongin he met in college. Jongdae, the only person in their circle of friends who met his Jongin, also says he liked him better before.

“It’s not like he became a bad person,” Kyungsoo remembers Jongdae saying during the third time they spot Jongin at a party. That time, it was at the house of one of their seniors and Kyungsoo was only there because Junmyeon was invited. Kyungsoo’s pretty sure freshmen don’t get invited to many college parties that early on but Jongin and the other handsome freshman, Sehun, are often at the scene.

“It’s just that, he became different. I guess you broke his heart too badly,” Jongdae added. It’s a light-hearted joke because as far as Jongdae knows, their break-up had been a cordial one.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo weren’t friends in high school. They never shared the same classes and only knew each other by face. It was only when they got to college that they became friends. But Kyungsoo and Jongin were popular as a couple — one that their whole high school knew about. So Jongdae knew about them and would often joke about how Kyungsoo broke the younger boy’s heart.

Still, Kyungsoo maintains that their breakup was amicable even if it was he who broke up with Jongin.

After all, the reason of their breakup was so simple, so acceptable.

Kyungsoo was going to college and they were not sure if they could handle the waiting and the long distance relationship. Kyungsoo knows for himself that he couldn’t do it. They would just suffer and fight all the time when they should be spending an important chapter in their lives — Kyungsoo’s first year in college, Jongin’s last year in high school — having fun. So no, Kyungsoo believes he didn’t break Jongin’s heart.

But maybe, Kyungsoo does feel a bit heartbroken. And it’s not just because puberty made Jongin even more manly and attractive. It’s because being around Jongin reminds Kyungsoo that he is a failure in maintaining romantic relationships.

And also, Kyungsoo really misses Jongin too. He misses him so much that he willingly attends drunken college parties just to see the younger boy.

“By the way, Chanyeol wasn’t at the party last night,” Baekhyun says.

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow in an attempt to look confused.

“So?” he says.

“Nothing. I thought you’re still interested in Chanyeol.”

“Since when did I become interested in that giant?”

Baekhyun laughs. “Oh right. You were only interested in him when he was dating Jongin. I guess since they broke up, you’re not concerned with whatever he does with his life anymore.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. If he was any less drunk, he would argue with Baekhyun that he never cared about Chanyeol or any of Jongin’s relationships.

Baekhyun would refute his denials but Kyungsoo is very sure that he doesn’t have any ounce of concern for Chanyeol. In fact, Park Chanyeol is the bane of his existence.

Over the past years he had crossed paths with Jongin, the younger boy has been in several relationships. They have been short-lived and would usually end before Kyungsoo can even get to know his partners’ names, ages, and addresses.

The one who lasted longer than others though is also the only person who is closest to Kyungsoo’s small circle of acquaintances — Park Chanyeol. They are not friends but Chanyeol’s best friend is Yi Fan who is dating Baekhyun who is Kyungsoo’s best friend.

Kyungsoo is not counting but Jongin and Chanyeol have dated for more than six months, that’s for sure. Kyungsoo knows because Chanyeol prepared a nice surprise for Jongin on their sixth month anniversary and asked for Baekhyun’s help. Baekhyun described it as extravagant but Kyungsoo is not surprised because Chanyeol was always very showy of his affection for Jongin and often flaunted their relationship to everyone. Kyungsoo hated Chanyeol a bit. He’s curious, too, if Jongin liked it, liked their very public displays of affection.

“They didn’t get back together over the break?” Kyungsoo tries to ask with utmost subtlety.

“Nope,” Baekhyun says as he gets up from his chair and moves to their coffee maker. “Yi Fan says they’re just friends now. I think they’re both seeing new people too.”

Kyungsoo sighs as Baekhyun places a cup of hot coffee in front of him.

“I know you prefer soup to cure your hangover but our fridge is empty. We need to go to the supermarket later,” Baekhyun says.

“Where are Jongdae and Junmyeon hyung?” Kyungsoo asks. Ever since their two best friends finally confessed to each other and began dating during Junmyeon’s last semester, they often leave Baekhyun and Kyungsoo to fend for themselves now. And this is really a terrible thing because only Junmyeon knows how to keep them alive by paying their bills, stocking their apartment with food, and checking up on their health.

“They went to the gym. Jongdae finally caved in to Junmyeon hyung’s nagging for them to work out together,” Baekhyun says.

“Is that really an “in” thing with couples?” Kyungsoo asks. “Working out together?”

“I don’t know. It depends on every couple, I guess.” Baekhyun says. “Personally, I love watching Yi Fan play basketball but I’d never play sports with him. There are other ways to get sweaty together.”

“Eww. Too much info, Byun Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo says, scowling harder.

“Yah! How is that too much information?” Baekhyun says, laughing. “Don’t act like a prude.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “How’s Yi Fan, by the way?”

“He’s doing fine, currently learning the ropes of their family business. We spent a few weeks of the school break together back at home and my family loved him. He wishes us good luck on our last year in college.”

“I think we definitely need all the good luck, especially if you guys don’t stop going to these drinking parties. What is a pre-welcome party even,” Kyungsoo says, draining his cup of coffee and swearing for the nth time that morning to never drink alcohol again.

**

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun met during their first day in university. They were both misfits — struggling to love being admitted to the Department of Civil and Environmental Engineering. Baekhyun came from a long line of engineers in his family and that was his only reason for pursuing the same career too. For Kyungsoo, it was because his parents’ only wish is to see him have a stable job and getting a degree in engineering seems the most stable of all.

They immediately became the best of friends, along with Jongdae, the Psychology major who gravitated towards the first familiar face in the huge campus which happened to be Kyungsoo, and Junmyeon, a Business Management sophomore who was a year older than them but felt attached to take care of them like his own brothers.

After a year, Baekhyun decided to change courses and pursue music like what he always wanted. Kyungsoo was left alone in his dreaded, boring degree. To make up for it, they decided to leave the school dorm and get an apartment together outside of campus.

It’s probably one of the best decisions Kyungsoo has ever made, not only because his friends are actually good roommates, but also because Kim Jongin began college that same year and roomed in the same university dorm Kyungsoo left. There would’ve been a 1/200 chance that they would end up being roommates. Kyungsoo’s glad to have dodged that bullet.

He wasn’t surprised Jongin chose to enroll at the same college as his. This university had always been part of their individual life plans. But since they’ve lost communication after Kyungsoo graduated high school, he did not seek the younger boy on purpose. A year of no news about each other made them practically almost strangers.

When Jongin first appeared back in his life, Kyungsoo was dating Zhang Yixing.

Their campus is quite big and offers all possible courses and extracurricular activities for students. And yet, Jongin just had to end up in the same dance club of his then current boyfriend.

Kyungsoo should have known being attracted to dancers will bring him trouble. Kyungsoo and Yixing have only been dating for a few months then and Yixing was excited to introduce him to the new recruits of their organization. Jongin simply stood there, nodded at him, and said “Hello, sunbae,” like it was really their first time to meet. He doesn’t remember how he responded then but after that first meeting, Kyungsoo was never able to fully escape crossing paths with his high school sweetheart.

From then on, their lives kept on clashing that even when Yixing and Kyungsoo broke up, Jongin had remained connected to Kyungsoo’s circle of friends. They’d often meet in some classes, in many parties, and in several social events.

One of the many places where Kyungsoo cannot escape Jongin’s presence is the bi-monthly basketball matches.

Kyungsoo is not one who actively engages in school spirit-centered activities but watching basketball games have already become a part of his routine since Baekhyun began dating the team’s former captain. They’ve managed to become friends with the rest of the team too so even if Yi Fan has already graduated, they still watch the matches religiously.

Yi Fan and Junmyeon were already at the stands when Kyungsoo and Baekhyun arrived. Jongdae is running late because of a school requirement.

As soon as Kyungsoo took his seat, he sees Jongin and Sehun a few rows in front of them.

“Did Jongin and Chanyeol get back together?” Kyungsoo thinks.

“No, they didn’t,” Yi Fan answers. Kyungsoo snaps his head to look at his direction. Apparently, he voiced out the question a bit louder than he wanted.

“Oh,” Baekhyun says. “Then why is Jongin still watching the games?”

“Maybe he just wanted to support the team? You know, for the purpose of school spirit? Junmyeon says.

“I think Jongin and Chanyeol are still friends so there’s nothing awkward about him watching the game. Jongin and Sehun are really close with Luhan and Tao too,” Yi Fan says.

“Yeah, and it must be weird to suddenly change routine,” Kyungsoo adds. “Look at us, Yi Fan is not playing anymore but we still go and watch the games.”

“Sometimes I wish I took up Graduate studies like Luhan and Minseok did so I can still play,” Yi Fan says.

“Me too,” Junmyeon says. “Not to play, but to at least just still be a student and not worry about life and career paths just yet. Slaving over exams is better than the pressures of the corporate world. Anyway, how’s your senior year going so far?”

“I feel like I take exams every other day. Not to mention thesis work,” Kyungsoo whines.

“And that is why you three should lay off the parties for a while,” Yi Fan says, lightly poking his boyfriend on his cheek.

“Hey! I don’t even party that hard. I haven’t come home drunk since we began dating,” Baekhyun says with a pout. “Tell that to Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow to show that he both questions and deny his friend’s claims. Baekhyun makes a small “eep” sound and cowers to his boyfriend’s arm.

Yi Fan laughs and asks “Now that Jongin’s single, why don’t you try your luck and ask him out again?”

Kyungsoo gives a shocked face as a response before clearing his throat and saying, “Jongin and I are a thing of the past. We’re not even friends now. I don’t think we’ll ever get back together again.”

“You don’t think? But do you want to?” Junmyeon asks.

Kyungsoo shifts his gaze to Jongin’s direction before answering. The younger boy is laughing hard at whatever Sehun is saying, lightly slapping the other boy’s legs. He’s seated far away but Kyungsoo thinks he can hear the sound of his laughter. It’s a sound he has memorized in the past.

Kyungsoo can feel his friends still looking at him, waiting for him to reply.

“At the very least, I wish we could be friends again,” he answers truthfully as he tears his sight away from his ex-boyfriend and looks back to his friends. Baekhyun looks like he wants to ask further questions but then they hear the sound of the buzzer, signaling the game is about to begin.

Kyungsoo tries not to look in Jongin’s direction again for the whole game. He tries not to feel too bad whenever he spots Jongin still clapping enthusiastically whenever Chanyeol makes a shot. His own words keep ringing in his head. He really just wants to be Jongin’s friend again.

**

It is nights like tonight, when the crowd is too hyper, the music is too good, and the drinks are too strong, that Kyungsoo feels the most distant from Jongin.

The basketball team just won a spot in the semi-finals of the inter-college games and they have a Friday school holiday plus the weekend. So naturally, the whole campus seems to be in attendance at the party thrown by the team. It is one event Kyungsoo can’t avoid, not when everyone is attending.

The party is held at a bar so Kyungsoo can expect overflowing alcohol. Kyungsoo and his friends arrive late, mainly because they had to wait for Yi Fan. This time, it’s Junmyeon who couldn’t make it.

When they arrive, Jongin is already the center of attention. He is dancing with Luhan, the point guard and star player of the night. The two look gorgeous together, so fitting of the title as the hottest pair even if they are not romantically involved. Kyungsoo knows they never dated, but they probably flirted with each other since Jongin’s freshman years.

“Should I get you a drink?” Baekhyun says, half-joking.

Kyungsoo purses his lips before pushing his friends to the other side of the room. Yi Fan gets them drinks and when he comes back, Chanyeol is with him.

“I feel like I’m babysitting kids tonight,” Yi Fan says as he hands them bottles of beer.

“That’s what you get for being too old,” Chanyeol says. “Don’t worry, I’m not drinking tonight. I drove here and I have to drive Sehun and Jongin later.”

“What a noble guy you are. This is your party,” Baekhyun says.

“Are you and Jongin back together?” Jongdae asks at the same time.

Chanyeol laughs and Kyungsoo is secretly thankful Jongdae asked. He’s dying of curiosity but he will never be able to ask Chanyeol out loud.

“Nope. Jongin is single and ready to mingle,” Chanyeol says, looking at Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo feels his throat go dry so he opts to drink and ignore Chanyeol’s gaze.

Yi Fan and Chanyeol continue talking while Baekhyun and Jongdae usher Kyungsoo to dancing and more drinking. Kyungsoo glances every now and then in Jongin’s general direction. It’s a bad habit he can’t shake off.

The party is expected to drag on for hours but by the second hour, Kyungsoo already feels tipsy. Jongdae has repeatedly passed him several red cups with dubious-looking drinks. The mix was good so Kyungsoo lost count of how many he actually drank.

As he makes his way to the club’s bathroom, he hears a few guys talking about Jongin. He is not one to usually eavesdrop but hearing Jongin’s name heightens his attention.

But what Kyungsoo does not expect is to hear a series of insults hurled towards the younger boy. Before Kyungsoo can stop himself and calm down, he goes straight to the two guys. They stop talking and look at him curiously.

“Were you, by any chance, talking about Kim Jongin from the Department of Psychology?” he asks quietly, his patience almost snapping.

One of the guys laughs. “There’s only one slut with that name, right?” he says.

Kyungsoo snaps and throws a punch.

**

Kyungsoo knows he made many mistakes in life. Breaking Jongin’s heart is definitely one of them. But one of the many right things he did is keep the friends he made.

Kyungsoo’s no longer tipsy but his head still aches. Turns out throwing punches while you’re drunk when your two opponents are both bigger than you would result to getting beaten up. He knows that now and though the bar brawl didn’t get too big because the three of them were drunk and his friends stopped it as soon as it started, he still ended up with a busted lip and a black eye.

Having both Baekhyun and Jongdae tend to his wounds makes him feel grateful he made the right friends when he entered college. They are both not asking what happened, probably waiting for Yi Fan to return from calming the chaos he started inside.

When Yi Fan arrives, he has Luhan, Sehun, and Chanyeol with him.

“What happened, Kyungsoo?” Yi Fan asks. Kyungsoo’s glad he does not look angry. He’s glad too that Junmyeon is not around tonight. There would have been a lot of nagging and Kyungsoo does not like disappointing his friend.

“I got pissed off so I punched them,” Kyungsoo says. He doesn’t want to talk about it in front of Jongin’s friends.

“What did they do that got you so riled up, Soo?” Jongdae asks.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Nothing. I’m just really drunk. I’m sorry for this mess.”

“That’s not what I heard,” Luhan begins. Kyungsoo looks at the older boy with alarm. Sehun shakes his head and pulls his friends. “Let’s go back inside. Jongin’s waiting for us.”

“Let’s just go home,” Baekhyun says. “It’s not good for Kyungsoo to stay here.”

“Yeah, Junmyeon is waiting for us at home. Good thing it was not a full on scuffle because Junmyeon would kill me if I go home with a busted lip too,” Jongdae says.

“I’m really sorry. I don’t know what got into me. But I don’t regret punching those guys,” Kyungsoo says as they hail a cab. His blood is still boiling because of anger.

“That’s okay. They both look worse than you anyway. All that judo you did in the past certainly helped,” Baekhyun says, offering him a soft smile.

**

Eventually, Kyungsoo had to confess the truth to his friends. It’s hard to keep a secret from them. It’s even harder to lie.

Baekhyun hugged him, Junmyeon nagged him, and Jongdae made him a warm chocolate drink.

Later, he pulls Jongdae into the living room for a talk.

“Do you really think I ruined Jongin’s life?” Kyungsoo says. “Well, you’re my friend so you will probably side with me. But I need a more honest answer and only you can give me that. Did I really ruin Jongin?” he adds before Jongdae can even answer.

Jongdae frowns. “Before I answer that, I need you to be honest with me too. How do you see Jongin now? What’s your opinion of the changes you see?”

Kyungsoo pouts then gives a heavy sigh. “I think… I think Jongin is a lovely person. He’ll always be beautiful in my eyes but Jongin has become even more attractive. How is that even possible? He grew up well, right? I’m glad he shed his shyness and learned to be more confident.”

“I was surprised he joined the dance club. Remember that one school festival where he danced? I had to ignore him for a week before I was able to convince him to perform. Taeminie was so grateful to me,” Kyungsoo continues, his voice a bit boasting.

“If you think that way, then why are you asking me if you ruined him?” Jongdae asks.

“I just worry about the reputation he gained. I admit I used to think he was just being a big flirt with everyone to get me jealous. And it worked. But he never tried to make a move on me and he has every right to date whoever as much as he wants because he is young and attractive and single, right?” Kyungsoo says.

“I know you are frustrated over his reputation but if he is not affected by it, you shouldn’t be too, Soo. I don’t think you ruined anything and Jongin being himself is not something he should be judged for. Everything he does — is doing — are his choices and it’s those who perceive him maliciously who are at fault here,” Jongdae says.

Kyungsoo nods. Even if Jongin and Jongdae were never close acquaintances, Jongdae had glimpses of Jongin’s awkward high school days. He feels comforted hearing these words from him.

“Jongin’s doing fine in his academics too,” Jongdae adds. “Some of his professors have been my professors before and I ask about him every now and then. They said he’s doing really good, even running for honors.”

“I… I am glad. Jongin’s always been a good student,” Kyungsoo says.

“You never asked me to keep a look out for him even if you knew we belonged to the same department. But I also watched you hover around him with concern and affection so I know how much you care about Jongin,” Jongdae says. “And I think Jongin should know about it too. I mean, you did punch two guys for him tonight.”

Kyungsoo laughs, making his busted lip ache a bit. “I’m no knight in shining armor for Jongin.”

“But you want to be?” Jongdae asks.

“I just want to be his friend again. You’re right, I still care for him. I am still attracted to him. He’s a big part of my life so I miss him. I want to be a part of his life again, even just as his friend.”

Jongdae pulls him into a hug again. “So it’s true when they say some love stories never end. I wish you good luck, Soo.”

**

Kyungsoo had a disastrous next few weeks, academics-wise. He missed three days of classes because he had to wait for his face to heal. His professors will not be very considerate of him if they think he gets into fights.

Kyungsoo is also banned from all forms of parties and social events that involve alcohol. His friends opted to do movie nights or even exercise together to unwind.

With mid-terms just around the corner, they’ve also been generally busy with school work. Not only has Kyungsoo not progressed well in his thesis, he keeps getting a lot of backlog in his class readings. He decides he needs to study more seriously and spend weekend nights reading as much as he can.

The only problem is he can’t do that at home this weekend because there are two couples treating their apartment like a love motel.

Kyungsoo’s not angry. Weekends are the only time Baekhyun and Jongdae get to be with their boyfriends who are both professionals now. Junmyeon rarely has free time and Yi Fan only gets to visit Baekhyun on weekends.

So Kyungsoo gives in and decides to just hop to the nearest coffee shop and study there. Maybe if he comes home at 2 a.m., when the coffee shop closes, the couples will both be sleeping already.

The first thing he spots upon entering the coffee shop is Kim Jongin. He is seated at the table nearest to the door, right across the cashier area. It’s difficult to miss him.

He was about to bolt out but Jongin sees him before he can even make another step.

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin says, loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough to disturb the quiet café that is filled with students studying.

Kyungsoo turns around and gives a small wave to Jongin, unsure of what to say. They’ve never shared any small talk for years.

“What are you doing here?” Jongin asks.

Kyungsoo looks around the café before looking back at Jongin’s direction.

“Am I not allowed here?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Jongin says. “I meant, what are you doing here at this time? It’s past 10 already.”

“Oh. I’m supposed to study. But all the tables are full so I’m just going to go back home.”

Jongin raises an eyebrow.

“There are three empty chairs around me. We can always share the table. Or are you afraid I’ll distract you?” the younger boy says, his voice filled with amusement.

“What? No. Why would I be distracted by you?”

“Then, sit. We’re not exactly strangers, hyung. I don’t think there is anything wrong with sharing a table.”

Kyungsoo was surprised to hear Jongin call him hyung that he wasn’t able to reply fast enough.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just… never mind. And okay, I’ll take your offer for a seat.”

Kyungsoo orders an Americano for himself and busies himself with his class work. He glances over to Jongin’s general direction every now and then and spies the boy highlighting his book. There are a mug and an uneaten slice of cheesecake near his notes. Kyungsoo’s almost sure the mug is filled with hot choco because Jongin doesn’t drink coffee. He says it tastes like poison.

“Why are you out here at this late hour though?” he suddenly asks out of nowhere. He was surprised with his bravery to engage in a conversation with Jongin but he’s dying with curiosity. Jongin is the last person he expected to see tonight because Kyungsoo has actually been avoiding the places where he thought Jongin could possibly be.

“Well, I have tons to study and I can’t stay in our room because my best friend is currently fucking my ex there. I lost my key to the dance studio and everyone else is busy so I have no choice but to camp out here for a while,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo was too stunned again to reply. As if it’s not enough that he is having a civil conversation with Jongin, the younger boy is happily revealing private information about himself.

“Ex? And who is this best friend? Sehun?” he asks, hesitantly.

“Ah, yeah,” Jongin says. “Sehun and Chanyeol are fucking each other in our room right now. Are you familiar with them? I’m not sure if you know them.”

Kyungsoo lets out an involuntary snort. “Of course, I know them. Your best friend is always glaring at me whenever I see him.”

Jongin laughs and Kyungsoo feels like his heart is racing out of his chest upon hearing this familiar, beautiful sound directed to him.

“He says the same thing about you,” Jongin says. “But I explained about your poor eyesight so I don’t know why he still keeps glaring at you.”

Kyungsoo is confused with how to reply. Not only are they casually sharing a conversation, Jongin is acting comfortable with him. Like those past years of awkwardness and not talking to each other never happened. He is tempted to ask if Jongin is drunk or sick or if he has actually really forgiven Kyungsoo already.

But Kyungsoo likes this. He likes having this moment with Jongin again. He likes the momentary, delusional promise of friendship between them.

So instead of spewing nonsense, he returns Jongin’s smile and says, “Maybe he just doesn’t really like me.”

“Next time, I’ll introduce you to each other properly; if that’s okay with you,” Jongin says in a quiet tone. His face suddenly looks solemn, like he just realized for the first time how unexpected this moment they are sharing now is.

“I… that would be nice,” Kyungsoo replies, smiling more warmly than before.

By the time the clock strikes 1:30 in the morning, the café staff began preparing to close down.

“We should probably head home, hyung,” Jongin says. He stands up and began collecting his stuff.

Kyungsoo nods and starts to pack his books and class notes.

Outside the café, Jongin is waiting for him.

“Can I walk you home?” the younger boy asks as soon as he exits the door.

Kyungsoo is shocked. The night has been full of nice surprises; the last thing he expected is for Jongin to offer to walk him home.

“Your apartment is just two streets away right? Let me walk you home,” Jongin insists.

“But your dormitory is on the other side, Jonginnie,” Kyungsoo says, without much firmness. He kind of likes the idea of walking home with Jongin.

“I missed that… hearing you call me Jonginie,” the younger boy says. He pulls Kyungsoo’s hand and adds, “Come on hyung, let’s go.”

Kyungsoo is too flustered over the warmth of Jongin’s hand and realizing he called him by his nickname that he isn’t able to argue anymore.

Despite the late hour, they walk slowly like they want to extend the time they are together. It’s like they want to make up for the years of not having any chance to be this close to each other.

“I heard about the fight at the bar,” Jongin says, breaking the silence.

Kyungsoo glances to his side and gulps. “Ah. Yeah. I drank too much and punched guys out of nowhere. Really stupid and irresponsible, right?” he says, adding humor to his tone to suppress his edginess.

“I heard too that you punched them because of me,” Jongin adds, taking him by surprise.

“What… how did you know?” Kyungsoo asks.

“They actually told me. Told me how angry they are for getting punched because of a slut,” Jongin says, his voice quieter than before.

Kyungsoo feels his blood boil again. “Those fucking bastards. I’m going to punch them even harder the next time I see them,” he shouts. He’s so angry he even stops walking.

Jongin laughs. “Don’t mind them anymore, hyung. To be honest, I’m not that affected. I don’t believe what they are saying anyway. I know I have a reputation but I honestly don’t even know how I got it. It’s not like I jumped from one relationship to another. I guess being friendly offends other people.”

“They’re just jealous they can never be as hot as you,” Kyungsoo says, grumpily.

“So you find me hot, huh?” Jongin says, his voice filled with snark.

“What… what I mean is…” Kyungsoo says, stuttering. He can feel his cheeks burning but he can’t think of a fast excuse.

Jongin pats his head lightly and Kyungsoo takes note of how much taller the younger boy has grown over the years. He’s always been taller than him but not this tall.

“That’s ok, hyung. I find you really hot too,” he whispers, the heat from his breath tickling Kyungsoo’s sensitive ear.

“Thank you for defending me, Kyungsoo hyung,” he adds. He inches away from Kyungsoo’s face but still stares straight into his eyes. “Now I know you still care about me. I feel so happy because I still mean something to you.”

“You mean a lot of things to me, Jongin. I will always care about you,” Kyungsoo answers honestly.

“I know. I’ve always known that. I doubted it these past years but now I realize that never changed,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to reply so he doesn’t say anything. They continue to walk and when they reach his apartment, Kyungsoo hastily waves goodbye.

“This is my stop. Thank you and get home safely okay?” he says.

But Jongin pulls him into a hug, which, to Kyungsoo, feels like the most surprising thing of the night.

“I care about you too. I wish… can we be friends again?” Jongin’s voice muffles on his hair. Kyungsoo hears it loud and clear. He tries to nod and softly say yes despite being pressed to Jongin’s chest.

When Jongin lets him go, Kyungsoo repeats Jongin’s question. “Let’s be friends again?” he asks, extending his hand for a handshake.

Jongin smiles a familiar bright smile that reminds Kyungsoo of all the past years when Jongin would meet him up every morning before classes start.

The younger boy shakes his hand. Then runs away, but not before shouting, “Good night, hyung. See you tomorrow.”

Despite being up until the late hours, Kyungsoo slept with a smile that night.

*  
The following days remained to be really good for Kyungsoo. His thesis is moving smoothly, he’s getting good grades, his friends are happy, and he and Jongin have begun exchanging messages every day. Jongin asked for his number a day after their study “date “at the café and his friends keep teasing him that he’s always glued to his phone now. But Kyungsoo and Jongin didn’t have any chance to hang out again.

Kyungsoo personally feels scared to initiate and invite Jongin out. He doesn’t know where they stand after their weird confession night and he doesn’t want to assume that his relationship with Jongin will go back to the way it was before very soon. No matter how attracted he still is to the younger guy, he has never considered them getting back together again.

It turns out Kyungsoo didn’t have to do anything to test the new relationship he has with Jongin.

It was their scheduled Saturday movie night at their apartment and Kyungsoo and Baekhyun just finished grocery shopping. They passed by McDonalds to pick up Yi Fan who was hanging out with his former teammates. When they arrived, only Chanyeol, Tao, Sehun and Jongin were left with Yi Fan.

“You guys are going to a party?” Chanyeol nonchalantly asks.

“Uh no, not tonight,” Yi Fan says. “This kid is still banned from alcohol and bars,” he adds pointing at Kyungsoo.

“Don’t call me a kid, old man,” Kyungsoo says, giving Yi Fan his signature death glare.

Baekhyun laughs. “We’re having a movie night,” he says raising the plastic bag filled with junk food that he’s carrying. “Hey, why don’t you guys join us? Our living room is big enough to fit us all,” he adds, inviting Jongin and his friends.

Jongin’s friends slowly turn to look at his direction then at Kyungsoo’s.

“Yeah, you guys should join us. I hope you like fast cars and angst, though. We’ll try to re-watch the whole Fast and Furious franchise tonight,” Kyungsoo says, his gaze more focused on Jongin. He offers a smile too to ease the younger boy’s anxiety.

Jongin smiles back and they agree to swing by their apartment that night.

**

“So, you and Jongin are really friends again?” Baekhyun asks later when they arrive home. They begin popping popcorn and preparing drinks while Jongdae fixes their living room to make it more spacious.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says, suppressing the wide smile that he feels wanting to burst from his face. He remembers Jongin’s smile earlier and he feels warm inside. “It’s okay, right? Us being friends again?”

“Of course!” Baekhyun says, nodding enthusiastically.

“Of course. I hope your newfound friendship will ease out the sexual tension between the two of you,” he adds, smirking.

“What sexual tension,” Kyungsoo says, frowning. “We ignored each other for years.”

“I wouldn’t call it ignoring. You were always gravitating towards each other with subtlety even when you didn’t acknowledge each other. I call that sexual tension.”

“Stop reading too much into the situation, Baek. I don’t want to assume anything. I admit I haven’t successfully ignored him but I don’t know if it was the same for him.”

“I’m not giving you false hope, Kyungsoo. I’m just saying I hope you both stop being stupid. I’ve watched you watch over him for years so it’s inevitable that I see him watching you too.”

“Even so, I’m not sure if I’m good enough to have him again. I already lost my chance when I broke up with him back in high school. He’s probably traumatized to date me again.”

“It doesn’t have to be rushed. But I hope you consider it too. Or you might lose him again. Jongin and Chanyeol dated for almost half a year. His next relationship might become more serious than that and by then you’ll never have another chance again.”

Baekhyun’s words ring in his head all throughout the night.

**

Kyungsoo feels both extremely happy and nervous to be spending time with Jongin again.

The movie night was fun and everyone got along well. Kyungsoo sat next to Jongin on the couch and they spent the rest of the time whispering and sharing private jokes to each other. They were seated so close that their shoulders were touching and Kyungsoo dwelled on the warmth of Jongin.

The close proximity made his heart race and he’s worried Jongin will be able to hear his loud heartbeat. Kyungsoo realized they remain so familiar with each other that their conversation flows so comfortably.

Their friends didn’t seem surprised. Every now and then Jongdae will tease them but everyone seems to have expected this. Even Sehun seems okay with it.

Later, Sehun actually approaches Kyungsoo when he went to the kitchen to get more drinks after one movie ended and the guys moved to playing video games instead.

“You need some help?” Sehun asks.

Kyungsoo is surprised that Sehun is even talking to him without frowning.

“I… it’s okay. You can wait in the living room,” Kyungsoo stutters.

“Okay,” Sehun says, turning to leave. Then he stops and moves beside Kyungsoo again.

“Hey, I just want to apologize for all the times I glared at you or whatever. Jongin says it’s not cool and you don’t deserve it. I had my reasons then but I guess I am wrong. I hope you accept my apology and we could be friends too?” Sehun says. He’s not smiling but Kyungsoo can feel he’s sincere with his words.

“I thought I was only imagining it whenever I see you glaring at me,” Kyungsoo says, laughing. “But I think I deserved it, too, regardless of what Jongin says. I would like us to be friends too.”

“Jongin thinks highly of you. When I found out about your past, I thought you were a douche. But I guess you punching two guys to save my friend’s honor changes that,” Sehun says.

“I didn’t do that to look good or earn Jongin’s approval again. I just think he didn’t deserve to be judged like that,” Kyungsoo replies.

“I know. And I think that makes you more forgivable. It may not seem like it but I’m personally protective of Jongin. It may seem weird because I’m dating his ex now but Jongin’s happiness has always been very important to me since we became friends. So I hope you won’t hurt him again now that you’re back in his life,” Sehun says.

“I won’t. And thank you for trusting me, Sehun. I can tell we’ll be good friends.”

“Yeah, I think so too. Jongin’s right. You are cool.”

**

If there’s one event that Kyungsoo actively tried to avoid seeing Jongin at all these years, it’s at any event that would allow Kyungsoo to see Jongin dance.

After that disastrous first meeting at the dance studio, Kyungsoo completely avoided going back. A part of it is because Kyungsoo wanted to remain loyal to his then boyfriend and it’s insulting to Yixing if he visits the dance studio and focuses on his ex-boyfriend instead. After he and Yixing broke up, Kyungsoo continued to avoid Jongin’s dance performances with the dance club. He fears he might further get heartbroken, especially when he remembers all the memories in the past where Kyungsoo encouraged Jongin to pursue dancing.

Dancing played a significant part in Kyungsoo and Jongin’s relationship. Jongin loved it but never had the courage to pursue it. His friends, Taemin and Seulgi, wanted the three of them to audition and make it a career. But Jongin wasn’t even keen to perform in front of an audience.

“I don’t want to be an idol or a performer like Taemin and Seulgi,” Jongin insisted.

“But you love dancing? You should at least try to perform once, Jonginie. Don’t let your fear of the stage suppress your passion,” Kyungsoo told him.

Kyungsoo managed to convince Jongin to perform for their school event and it was one of his proudest moments, seeing his boyfriend receive praises while he basks in joy doing something he really enjoys.

“Thanks for convincing me to do this hyung,” Jongin told him after his performance before kissing him on the lips. It was their first kiss and it remains a good memory to Kyungsoo.

So when Jongin invited him to the dance studio that Saturday, he felt both worried and excited. He wants to see Jongin dance again, and not just the kind of dancing in bars and parties where he is surrounded with other dancing people and simply gyrating bodies with each other. He wants to see Jongin’s art.

The excitement bubbles in his heart as he opens the door to the school’s dance studio that afternoon.

But what makes his heart flutter more is when he sees the younger boy napping comfortably on the couch.

He walks towards him slowly and contends himself with adoring the sleeping boy.

Kyungsoo’s aware that these past days, they have been heavily flirting with each other. It was not friendship anymore, not when they automatically act intimate with each other. But they are not officially together too. Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he’s worth the second chance to really be together with Jongin again.

Jongin stirs from his sleep as Kyungsoo approaches closer.

“Hey, hyung,” Jongin says out loud, even when his eyes are not fully open yet.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo greets back. “How did you know it’s me? You’re not even fully awake.”

“I remember the sound of your footsteps. It’s the same sound you made back then, when you would approach me at the library to pick me up every day,” Jongin says, smiling widely.

Jongin had the habit of sleeping in their school library while waiting for Kyungsoo to finish his student council duties. Kyungsoo remembers how he picked Jongin up from the library so they can go home at the same time.

“You remember the sound of my footsteps? I didn’t even know I have a…sound,’ Kyungsoo says, laughing.

“I remember a lot about you, hyung,” Jongin says. “What I probably miss the most is hearing you sing and tasting the food you cook,” the younger boy adds with a pout.

Kyungsoo smiles and touches Jongin’s pouting lips. “Next time, join me and my friends when we go to the noraebang,” he says. “And I’ll cook something for you soon,too.”

Jongin lightly kisses Kyungsoo’s fingers then nods. “I would love that,” he says.

Then he stands and gets two bottles of water from his bag.

“How about you, what do you remember about me?” Jongin further asks.

Kyungsoo stares at the drink Jongin handed him and wonders what to say. You like writing silly poetry and doodling around your notes. Your favorite food is chicken. I still rememberthe sound of your voice and the way you talk with your aegyo voice when you want food. I remember your sweet kisses and warm hugs. But these are all words Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to say out loud.

“I remember that you’re an amazing dancer,” Kyungsoo says instead.

Jongin laughs. “You’ve always been my biggest fan. But I’m not sure if you’ve seen me dance again? I’ve gotten a whole lot better than before.”

“Want to show me?” Kyungsoo teases.

And maybe Kyungsoo should’ve prepared his heart more. Because what he witnesses is a performance worth to be called a masterpiece.

He doesn’t realize he watched the whole routine with an open mouth until Jongin stops in front of him and touches his lips.

“I want to kiss you so badly right now, hyung,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo gulps and Jongin laughs.

“So how was it? Was I good?” Jongin asks as he sits next to him. He’s sweating so much and Kyungsoo automatically wipes the younger boy’s forehead with the small towel from Jongin’s bag.

“You are amazing. Wow. Why didn’t you enroll at the Department of Performing Arts again? Or train to be an idol or something?” Kyungsoo sincerely asks.

“I like my course now,” Jongin says. “You know how Taemin is training to be an idol, right? He tells me he’s set to debut soon. I am happy for him, but I don’t see myself performing like that. I can still do dancing as a hobby and get my degree.”

Kyungsoo nods.

“Why don’t you sing anymore, hyung? I remember you and Hyunshik and Ryeowook hyung had dreams to do a band together too right?” Jongin asks.

“I still sing with my friends,” Kyungsoo explains. “But I guess I’m not as passionate about music as Baekhyun is. It takes a different kind of discipline to be an art student. As boring as engineering is, I’m content with it.”

“Chanyeol’s a music composition student too and yeah, the kind of commitment they have to their art is really different,” Jongin says, nodding.

Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to react to the mention of Chanyeol’s name. It’s not that he’s jealous, just a bit awkward. Jongin, unfortunately, notices.

“Are you jealous of Chanyeol?” he asks, laughing.

“I used to be. Now, it’s just awkward for me,” Kyungsoo says, defensively. Then he sits closer to Jongin. “To be honest, I probably owe Chanyeol a lot. He took care of you when I can’t.”

“He was a good boyfriend and still a good friend. Do you know why I started dating him?”

Kyungsoo frowns. “Do I want to know?”

“Well, a part of it is because of you so you might be interested.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer out loud but he nods. He’s curious but he doesn’t want to seem too interested.

“The whole year we were apart, I missed you terribly. I wanted to spend the last year of my high school happily like what you wanted but it was so hard. Still, I managed. When we met again, you were dating the captain of the dance team. I didn’t expect less from you. You deserve an amazing guy and Yixing hyung is one of the coolest people I’ve known. So I tried to be a better person too. I became more outgoing and built this image of myself that I thought was cool enough. I flirted with everyone but never dated anyone seriously because I was always toying with the idea of wanting to get back with you. It earned me a reputation of being easy but to be honest, I never slept around. I flirted but I went home alone every night. There were a few almost-relationships but I was always hesitant. Then came Kim Minseok.”

“Minseok hyung?” Kyungsoo asks, obviously surprised. He doesn’t remember ever seeing Minseok and Jongin together.

“Yeah, Kim Minseok. Mr. Congeniality, captain of the soccer team, straight-A student, and, according to Luhan hyung, was immensely devoted to you.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo reacts. Kyungsoo and Minseok met through Junmyeon who is the latter’s childhood friend. They did go to some friendly dates and Minseok did confess that he liked him.

“But we never dated,” Kyungsoo answers. “I never dated anyone other than Yixing. I was a terrible boyfriend to Yixing so I never attempted to get into another relationship again.”

“I know. I assumed wrong about you and Minseok. But hearing from Luhan that a good guy was devoted to you, somehow, it made me feel like I should start moving on too. That was around the same time Chanyeol confessed he liked me. So we tried dating and he was really nice to me. I grew to really like him while we are dating. But then our differences started getting in the way and I realized he deserves someone who can love him equally back so we broke up.”

“Is it weird that Chanyeol is dating Sehun now?”

“No, not really. They weren’t even really close when I was dating Chanyeol. They only started getting to know each other after Chanyeol and I broke up. That’s when they realized they fit so much more together. I’m seriously happy for them.”

“I’m glad it worked out for them.”

“I am, too,” Jongin says, nodding. “By the way, hyung, why did you say that you were a terrible boyfriend to Yixing?”

“I liked Yixing a lot but I was always holding back. I don’t think I treated him right. We never fought but we never shared a deep connection with each other. When we broke up, he told me I was loyal but not affectionate. I don’t know if you get what I mean.”

“I won’t probably understand that because I can’t imagine you not being affectionate to your boyfriend. You always took good care of me and never failed to make me feel loved,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo feels his cheeks heat up from Jongin’s sweet words.

“Also, Yixing hyung often talked about how happy he was with you whenever we practiced together,” Jongin adds.

“He talked about me? To you?”

“At the beginning. Then he stopped. I guess by then, he found out about our past.”

“I did tell him about you later on. I didn’t know it would affect your relationship.”

“No, it didn’t, really. Yixing hyung was nice to me the whole time.”

“I think Yixing is just really nice in general. I did want to fall in love with him. But no matter how much I gave, it was not enough for him to be happy.”

The two falls silent but it isn’t uncomfortable. Kyungsoo is thinking about how Jongin is probably the only person he could really care for this deeply.

“I am glad everything happened the way they did though,” Jongin says. “Because now I have you beside me again and it makes me really happy.”

“I’m really happy too,” Kyungsoo says. He thinks these are the most honest words he has ever said in many years.

Jongin and Kyungsoo have too much history together that forgetting Jongin would mean forgetting a huge chunk of his life. It’s impossible. He wants to keep him close, as close as Jongin will allow him.

**

Baekhyun is all wrapped up in his huge blanket on the couch when Kyungsoo arrives home that night. When he approaches him to say hi, he notices that Baekhyun’s eyes are puffy and he is sniffling.

“Hey Baek, are you okay?” he asks. He’s not sure if his friend is sick or if he had been crying.

Baekhyun moves sideways to look at his direction and his eyes begin to water.

“Hey, what happened?” Kyungsoo says, touching his friend’s arm.

Baekhyun sits up and gestures Kyungsoo to sit beside him. Then he pulls Kyungsoo into a hug.

“Yi Fan… we fought. I feel so sad, Soo,” Baekhyun says, crying.

From the outside, many people think it’s Baekhyun who approached Yi Fan first.

Yi Fan is a year older, a star player in their university’s basketball team, a business major and the son of rich Chinese magnate. He’s a campus celebrity and everyone wanted him. But the only person Yi Fan wanted is the sophomore music student he chanced upon playing the piano at the school auditorium.

Baekhyun initially rejected Yi Fan’s advances. He had just transferred to the music department at that time and was struggling to keep up with the curriculum. He was insecure about his skills, trying to surpass the guilt over disappointing his parents, and he was not interested in a high-profile student coveted by everyone else. Too much drama, he tells Kyungsoo all the time.

But Yi Fan was patient and persistent. He managed to win Baekhyun’s heart and Kyungsoo witnessed how dedicated he was to Baekhyun from the start. The couple never had any major fights in all the years they’ve been dating and Kyungsoo thought they will always be happy.

So he’s lost how to comfort Baekhyun now, who is the icon of strength and independence for Kyungsoo.

“What was the fight about?” he asks.

“It was really stupid. He wanted us to start making our plans after I graduate and I said I don’t want to think that far ahead yet. I don’t even have any personal goals set yet other than to actually graduate. How am I supposed to make plans that include the both of us?”

“Do you feel like he’s rushing you?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. I think… I feel like he’s starting to feel unsure of our relationship that’s why he’s asking about my long term plans. So I got defensive and angry and then we ended up shouting at each other.”

“But how do you feel about planning a future with him, Baek? Do you want to do that?”

“Of course, Soo. I love him. I just want to have a firm plan for my life first before we incorporate our life goals together. But that doesn’t mean I don’t see a future with him.”

“You should probably talk to him again. I think you both jumped to the wrong conclusions.”

Baekhyun was quiet for a while and Kyungsoo waits for him to speak again.

“I think you’re right. Yi Fan has never shown any hint that he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe, the problem here is my own insecurity? He’s so sure of what he wants in life and I’m still stuck here, without any idea of what to do after college. What if my lack of direction in life puts a strain in our relationship?”

“Even so, Yi Fan needs to know if you are beginning to feel insecure, Baek. It means you both need to work on something if he’s not making you feel secure and confident in your relationship anymore. Talk to him again, as soon as possible.”

Baekhyun nods. He has stopped crying now.

“Since when did you become an expert in giving love advice?” Baekhyun says, his light-hearted tone back.

“I know, right? I can’t even manage my own relationships so why I am giving you advice?” Kyungsoo says, laughing.

“Well, you and Jongin are doing fine now. You just both need to stop being stupid and scared and everything will be okay,” Baekhyun says, smiling for the first time that night.

“I don’t know about the stupid part but the scared part is difficult to fix. I don’t want to ruin whatever we have again now. I don’t deserve Jongin, he’s too good for me.”

“This is exactly what I meant about being stupid. You don’t get to decide what he deserves, Soo. He’s allowed to make his own decisions about who to like and if you like him back, why are you stopping yourselves from being happy?”

The conversation he shared with Jongin flashed into his head again. He remembers Jongin’s warm hand holding his and the adoring way Jongin looks at him like he is the most important thing in his life. He remembers Jongin’s soft laughter and how the younger comfortably talked about their past memories. He remembers Jongin confidently saying he likes him and how happy he is because of him.

“Let’s not talk about that now, Baek. I think you have somewhere to be?”

Baekhyun nods. “Yi Fan’s actually calling me for an hour now. I think it’s time to return his calls. I don’t know if I can sleep when I know we’re not okay.”

Later that night, Kyungsoo receives a message from Jongin. He was thanking him for the day they spent together and hopes they can hang out again. Kyungsoo feels overwhelmingly happy over the gestures of affection Jongin is showering him.

At the same time, Baekhyun’s anxieties remind Kyungsoo of his own insecurities. Jongin is too good, too beautiful for him. Jongin deserves so much more than what he can give him. Many years have passed but Kyungsoo is still not confident enough to keep Jongin.

Kyungsoo wishes he can be brave to be with Jongin again someday. Maybe, one day.

*

Yi Fan’s birthday party is the first party that Kyungsoo and Jongin attend as friends. They did not arrive in Yi Fan’s mansion at the same time but as soon as Jongin arrived, he went straight to where Kyungsoo was.

The party was very lively but all Kyungsoo can focus on is how Jongin’s body waves and sexy stares directed at him make him feel all hot inside.

It’s the most intimate the two of them have been.

They probably drank too much. Because Kyungsoo has no idea how they end up in one of Yi Fan’s many bedrooms. The next thing he knows, Jongin is kissing him already.

Kyungsoo’s mind went haywire as soon as Jongin’s lips touch his.

Jongin.

Kyungsoo’s heart aches for him.

Jongin kisses Kyungsoo again with more fervor. Kyungsoo’s body heats up more, like his blood is boiling and he’s close to burning up. To be intimate with Jongin again makes him feel like a volcano that is about to explode. His heart beats so loud in his ears but he still hears when Jongin makes quiet, sexy noises whenever he rolls his hips. Kyungsoo responds excitedly, effortlessly.

With a hint of impatience, Jongin shifts their position and presses him down on the bed. Kyungsoo shuts everything out to breathe Jongin in, leaning closer to keep kissing him. Their kisses are hot and desperate, like they can’t have enough of each other. Their hands roam against each other’s bodies with no definite direction. They just want to keep touching, to keep feeling each other.

Their kisses are more sinful now than the kisses they shared before so everything feels new and fresh to Kyungsoo. But there is still that hint of familiarity in Jongin’s taste and warmth.

Jongin moves from his lips to that spot in between his neck and his ears.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo unconsciously whispers. He feels the younger boy smile against his skin. Jongin still remembers his weak spot. It both flatters and scares him.

Jongin moves away slightly but settles to keep gazing at him. He’s still smiling and Kyungsoo feels torn between wanting to hold on to him and keep kissing him or wanting to run away and never see him again. He wants to be with Jongin but not like this — with alcohol and hormones hampering their good judgment. Kyungsoo thinks Jongin is too precious to be a drunk one-night stand.

His torn feelings must’ve shown on his face because Jongin’s expression changes into a confused one too.

“Soo…” he begins. But Kyungsoo stops him by abruptly sitting up and ruining their comfortable position.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin starts, his voice beginning to tremble. When Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, Jongin shakes his head. “No,” he whispers, “no. No.”

“I’m sorry, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says as he stands up from the bed. He wipes his lips and lightly touches the spot on his neck Jongin has been kissing. He knows he looks like a mess but he doesn’t even think of fixing himself.

Kyungsoo leaves the room without giving a second glance at the younger boy, in the process, breaking both their hearts all over again.

**

Maybe, Kyungsoo is too hopeful to actually believe that nothing can go wrong between him and Jongin anymore.

He didn’t foresee that being in a relationship with no clear definition will be a problem sooner or later.

It became apparent that they’ve been doing something wrong and he needs to fix it all over again. No, they both need to fix it.

But Kyungsoo is not going to wait another three years before he tries to apologize for hurting Jongin again.

After a fitful sleep and enduring a painful chest ache the whole night, Kyungsoo decides to talk to Jongin first thing in the morning.

He arrives at Jongin and Sehun’s room just as Sehun is leaving for his class.

“I trust you’re here make things right?” Sehun asks him.

Kyungsoo nods and is allowed to go in.

Jongin is seated on his bed, hugging his pillow and looking like he just woke up. He watches Kyungsoo approach him.

“Am I disturbing you?” Kyungsoo asks.

Jongin shakes his head. “No, hyung. I can’t think of anything else but you anyway.”

Kyungsoo would’ve loved to hear those sweet words in a different setting.

Jongin moves to one side so Kyungsoo can sit beside him on the bed. Kyungsoo copies Jongin’s position, pulling a pillow to hug too. It smells like Jongin and his heart aches more.

They remain silent for awhile, both composing in their minds what they want to say.

Jongin speaks first. “You’re always running away from me, always letting me go. You make me feel I’m not someone worth keeping.”

“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says, squeezing the pillow tighter and avoiding looking at the younger boy. This is the last thing he wanted Jongin to feel but he doesn’t know how to express it.

“I don’t even have any right to whine like this. We’re not together. We’re not even really friends,” Jongin says, laughing slightly. It’s a sarcastic sound and Kyungsoo hates hearing it. He knows he’s hurting Jongin but for all the wrong reasons.

“I hate the fact that I always need to catch up to you. That I’ll never be enough no matter what I do,” Jongin says. “All these weeks, I tried nothing but to win your affection again. But you rejected me so I guess I failed.”

Kyungsoo laughs, the sound a bit louder than Jongin’s laugh. He feels worse now, knowing that Jongin thinks he failed. There was no way for Jongin to fail because he didn’t have to win his affection again. Kyungsoo has never stopped caring for him. If only he can bring himself to tell Jongin this.

“I am funny, right?” the younger boy asks, sounding even more insecure.

“No, no. We’re both funny. Baekhyun’s right, we are both stupid.”

“What do you mean?” Jongin asks, now looking at Kyungsoo. He can feel Jongin’s gaze and decides to look at him too.

“All this time, I was pulling away from you because I thought I don’t deserve you. That you are too good, too beautiful for me and holding on to you would mean holding you back. I am a coward, Jongin. I am scared you’ll realize how much I lack and run away from me,” Kyungsoo confesses, his heart aching just a bit. He remembers his own fears of losing Jongin because he’s not worthy enough to keep him. It’s selfish. Kyungsoo is too selfish.

“So you ran away from me first?” Jongin asks, his shock apparent on his face.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo says with a sigh. “I really am a selfish person. I’m sorry, Jongin.”

“We both have a lot to apologize to each other. Baekhyun is right. We are stupid.”

They stare at each other for a while, neither moving. Jongin seems to be waiting for Kyungsoo to make a move first.

“So what do we do now?” Kyungsoo asks. His heart aches because he still wants this man beside him. He still wants to be with Jongin.

“What do you want, hyung?” Jongin says. “From the start, I’ve always given you what you wanted. When you said you wanted to take care of me, I opened my heart to you. When you said you wanted to break up because you were going to college, I let you go. When you said you wanted us to be friends, I welcomed you back. Now, tell me what you want us to be because I am not going to demand anything from you. The only way I can be happy is if I can give you what you want.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t want to cry in front of Jongin. But he can’t help it. He’s so selfish that he wants to keep Jongin even if he knows he doesn’t deserve him. Tears fall from his eyes and Jongin reaches out to wipe them.

“Don’t cry, hyung,” Jongin says, his voice panicking. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry, please.”

“No, don’t be sorry Jonginnie. I’m crying because I really like you and I want to make it up to you. If you ask me what I want, I only want you. I want your love, your trust, everything. And I know how selfish that sounds so I want to be someone who deserves to have you too.”

“You’ve always had my love, hyung. You don’t have to do anything more,” Jongin insists.

“What I want… what I want is for us to properly be together. Let’s start from being friends again. Let me court you. Let me win your love properly,” Kyungsoo says, straightening up and looking directly into Jongin’s eyes.

The younger boy is obviously surprised. He pouts slightly and says “this is not another scheme of yours where you end up running away from me again, right?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “See? I obviously need to win your trust again.”

Jongin slightly laughs.

“Okay, let’s do what you want, Kyungsoo hyung. Let’s start by being friends again.”

“Thank you Jongin. I promise to never hurt you again,” Kyungsoo says. And he’s determined to not break any promise he makes to the younger boy again. Kyungsoo is determined to never break Jongin’s heart ever again.

**

Kyungsoo and Jongin getting back together officially had been reminiscent of how they started dating.

In high school, they became friends when Jongin forgot his lunchbox and lost his pocket money both on the same day and Kyungsoo, who spotted the younger boy not eating, offered him food. From then on, they began a friendship of mutually taking care of each other. It was Kyungsoo who confessed first, to which Jongin responded positively and they spent the rest of their high school years dating.

In college, after they decided to start from being friends again, their friendship revolved around movie nights, basketball games, university performances, and café dates. Often, they’d hang out together with their friends. Sehun had completely warmed up to Kyungsoo too while Baekhyun, Jongdae and Junmyeon had graciously welcomed Jongin’s frequent presence in their apartment. But sometimes, Kyungsoo and Jongin would hang out, just the two of them. The first few times, they’d hide it under the pretense of studying together. But when they realized that everyone thought they are dating each other again, they dropped the excuses and comfortably went on dates.

But Kyungsoo and Jongin only officially got back together after Kyungsoo’s graduation. This time, it is Jongin who confessed first.

“I’m not doing this, hyung, because I’m afraid I’ll lose you again now that a new chapter of your life is about to start. I’m doing this because these past months assured me that I love you and that you love me back too. I can only see myself loving you. I can see us growing old together. Do you… is it okay if we start that now?”

Kyungsoo is left speechless. He has prepared his own confession for Jongin too but the younger boy beat him to it.

Jongin is smiling so lovingly at him, waiting so patiently for his reply. Kyungsoo thinks he’s really lucky to be loved by someone as beautiful as Jongin.

“Yes, Jongin. I want to spend the rest of my life loving only you.”

Kyungsoo can’t believe he’s given the chance to say these words to Jongin again. Kyungsoo lost him once and he never wants that to happen once more. He is determined to give Jongin with all the love he deserves. And he looks forward to keeping Jongin happy, now that they have the chance to love each other again.


End file.
